Shit is about to get REAL.

Well well well... look what we have here. An abandoned blog. Seeing as how I'm on the cusp of spitting out yet ANOTHER child I thought maybe I should get you guys up to speed. 

Remember me?! I'm the girl that used to hang out, be somewhat fashionable, smart, funny and down to have a good time?! Yeah, I remember her too. Now I'm the super-patient, let's grab coffee "sometime"- Human Spitrag. I know, that sounds like I'm complaining, but in a really sick way, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I miss hanging out and being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, but damnit, Vanson has turned me into this flimsy pile of mushy emotion that can magically change into hardened steel at a moments notice if he needs protection. 

Seriously, I am ruined.

Forever.

This past year and a half has brought a lot of change, a lot of learning, a lot of growing pains, ups and downs. We were surprised to learn about another baby on the way and I have to be honest, I've had very mixed feelings about it the whole time. I'll do my best to explain...

Fuck man! We just got into a really sweet schedule with Vanson!! He's gotten a little more predictable, I've chilled out a bit, and WHAM-0! 

Whatever. At least the PTSD from the first isn't completely gone yet.

HOORAY.

(note the period instead of exclamation point)

I think the thing that has made me the most sad is I feel bad about having to share time between two little people now instead of concentrated time with just Vanson. For some strange reason part of me feels guilty about that. (I'm not even Catholic, but I have all of this crazy guilt for some really stupid reason) -And not just in this case... I feel guilty about all kinds of stupid shit that I shouldn't. 

W.T.F.

Sorry, it's easy to get side tracked because when I get time all to myself I sort of freak out a little bit and don't know what to do, so everything ends up being half-thoughts and buckshot approach. If that makes any sense to you... 

Another part of me is nervous that I'm not a good enough mom to juggle two little people at the same time. Here's a shocker: I'm hard on people. Just ask my poor husband. As much as I'm hard on other people though, I'm even harder on myself. The pressure I put on myself, I can't believe I haven't turned myself or those closest to me into diamonds. 

See these? They used to be people. 

I think the other reason I'm a little nervous or apprehensive is basic fear of the unknown. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to meet her, I'm excited to have a baby girl, it's been AWESOME being able to actually nest! I got her room all ready, and I've bought all of the Hand Sanitizer from Battle Ground Fred Meyer... -I explained to the poor check out person a baby was on the way and they politely smiled and nodded and... kept their distance. I can't even begin to express how much better this pregnancy has been merely because WE ALREADY LIVE IN THE HOUSE WE'RE GOING TO LIVE IN! We don't have to move the day after we get out of the hospital! YAY!!!! I have taken full advantage of that fact too, as evidenced by Harlow's "Old Hollywood" - inspired room. 

Isn't it sickening?

Hormones. I tell ya.

But I LOVE it!! squeeeee!!!! 

So, it's not all terrible. I think I'm just a little apprehensive. A friend of mine sent an amazing email to me basically saying, there will be times you feel like just the "help", the maid, the worker, but that will all pass. She explained the resentment of feeling "stuck" chained to a tiny, needy, whiny human while Kris might take Vanson to the park or outside or just play the guitar with him is normal and will also pass. Her email made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. I still worry if I'll be a good enough mom between the two, but hearing that someone else felt not that great the second time around made me feel a little less apprehensive. 

Welp, time to move on to the next worry... How do I balance being a good mom AND oh yeah, that's right, I'm a WIFE too! ...